Unpleasant Moods

I feel the constant pull of unpleasant moods all the time though I try not to show it.  A day of ferocious spasms… no big deal.  A day of painful nerves… happens a lot so what.  A day of revolting bladder function… sucks but it’s bearable.  Most of the time I am able to put all this aside and go on with my life in good spirits.  But turn those days into weeks and months, a constant barrage of difficulty, embarrassment, pain, and frustration, and my resolve starts to break.  I start to get tired and make mistakes in the things I do and say.  I start to feel sad and disheartened with hardly the energy to be angry at the unpleasant things that occur.  Other sources of emotion be it other people or events not tied to my paralysis start to affect me stronger than they usually do.  I still wonder how I pull myself out of these down times.  I feel the weight of them keenly and it is hard to get ride of them.  The thoughts that come unbidden to me when I feel this way only perpetuate the unpleasantness of my mood.  Not only that but it starts to become desirable almost.  As if I want to feel sad and miserable.  It’s hard to free my thoughts from these moods.  And these moods are always on my heels.

Why is it then that I seem not able to stay in these down times?  I wish I knew because then they wouldn’t last as long as they do sometimes.  If I knew how to pull myself out I’d do it sooner.  I’d do it when I feel only slightly sad or frustrated like I do right now.  But that isn’t the case so I guess it’ll run its course.  It won’t last forever anyway.  At least there is that.